When I used to be really hardcore Catholic, I had prayers I knew by heart that I said every day and night and it was such a comfort. It was what I missed the most when I walked away from a religious institution that had no place in my heart or mind and held nothing I could continue to believe in. So now I'm a lapsed Catholic. That's just one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I'm really not Catholic, lapsed or otherwise, no matter how the church hierarchy wants to characterize me, presumably so they can count me among the dwindling faithful that may soon return to the fold. To the Vatican: Not Happening.
In the last six months or so, I've been having an urge to bring prayer back into my life. My Spirituality is something I try to nurture but as for prayer, it had been a while and every time I tried to pray, I went back to the same prayers I used to say. No matter how many beautiful prayers I tried to say as my own prayers, written by holy men and women the world over, there was no connection and so, of course, no prayer. I was also stymied when I tried to just talk to God like I used to...so I decided I'd just take the prayers I knew so well and re-write them to mesh with my present beliefs and definitions of the sacred, while still giving me that comfort of having said something by heart (there's a reason we use the term "by heart").
I'll share this one with you tonight. This prayer was originally written by Kate Barclay Wilkinson (1859-1928). You can read the original with a google search or in the collection of prayers entitled "Laughter, Silence and Shouting."
Dedication
May the mind of love itself
Live in me from day to day
Only love and its sweet power
Inspiring all I do or say.
May a world of hope dwell richly
In my heart from hour to hour
So that all may see I triumph
When I surrender to that power
May the peace of my Creator
Rule my life in everything
That I may be calm to comfort
The sick and sorrowing
May the truth of my heart fill me
As the waters fill the sea
Truth exalting, ego forgotten
This is victory.
May I run the race before me
Strong and brave to face the foe
Looking only unto real true love
As I onward go.
I wish for you peace and a calm rest and that you wake filled with love.
Maggie -
ReplyDeleteI am floored...I have thought about prayer, my spiritual wellbeing (or lack thereof), and my devotion to Self quite a bit lately. Sadly (and I am completely very embarrassed and ashamed to admit this) I have not been to an AA meeting since before Christmas. Now, coming from an individual that at one point in recovery would attend 5 or 6 meetings in a week...well, Christmas was more than 2 months ago...
The point is, once I stop doing something for awhile (praying, going to meetings, exercising [swear word]) and more time passes, it makes it that much harder for me to get back on the wagon.
Instead, I have relied on things like: my youngest dog laying his head in my lap and sighing as if his life is the toughest one in existence and that he is so very glad that he has me to lean on for support, or having a heartfelt, heart-full conversation with my husband, knowing that God sent him to me because I do actually deserve what I can't imagine I deserve, and the commercials sponsored by the Foundation for a Better Life (holy shit, these commercials make me cry EVERY time...no exaggeration). I rely on these things to bring me as close as I can be to feeling the sensation of God's divinity. Because, truly...I KNOW that although my prayer and devotion to a Higher Power has been lacking lately (lacking...that's a big 10-4 on the understatement), I am being helped. Everyday.
This does not discount the urgency to get back to my meetings. I replay in my head the scenario that will unfold: Yes, I am back. No...I have not had a drink, but I have relapsed emotionally 307 times since my last meeting. Help me.
Religion = wonderful, touchy, life-changing, uncomfortable, ad infinitum. Spirituality = accepting, all encompassing, more or less...the left-wing liberal side of religious democracies. As my stance has changed over the years, I inevitably gravitate back toward spirituality as the means to freedom, one reason being that it requires no pastor, priest, or authority figure (except for the Big Man or Woman up above). And, I like that. Never was a fan of authority.
It's funny you mention this because as I was reading about your insomnia (and reflecting on my own) I was wondering if you don't ever try prayer to silence the noise in your head rather than the rain-noise machine to talk over it(or that relaxation tape, which I remember vividly, as well as YOUR ARMS ARE GETTING HEAVY bwaaaahahahahahaha!). So many things function as prayer--words learned by heart, pictures in your memory, hugging loved ones, conscious breathing. I think you're onto something good.
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